Autocannibalism

recipe adapted from Julia Child

Preparation: The moment of self-destruction must be carefully chosen for maximum dramatic effect. If you are having a formal dinner party, it is customary to wait until after hors d’oeuvres and soup. If you are dining alone or with family, this formality need not be strictly observed, although a pleasant presentation is important all the same.

Preheat oven to 425°.

If you do not have access to a guillotine or a comically sized meat cleaver for home slaughter, any good, local butcher should gladly behead and quarter your body for you on a rusty table saw. Eviscerate and thoroughly clean lifeless corpse in cold running water until numbness sets in entirely. Rub skin and inner cavities generously with butter and season to taste with salt, pepper, garlic and marjoram.

Place corpse, breast down, in heavy roasting pan. Roast 30-45 minutes per pound, basting every 15 minutes and flipping yourself breast up halfway through cook time. Rest 10-15 minutes before carving. Serve with mushroom gravy (pg. 63), buttered peas (pg. 127) and roasted potatoes (pg. 153).

For a traditional presentation, flambé the head tableside with a good quality cognac. Replace eyes with glazed onions and serve on a bed of watercress and radish rosettes. A young, brisk chardonnay pairs perfectly with crispy flesh. However, if you intend to serve the heart (sautéed in butter and shallots) a full-bodied, semi-dry red wine will balance out the bitterness.

Save carcass scraps, liver, kidneys, soul, etc. to make a hearty stock. Boil these leftovers with celery, carrot, onion and bouquet garni until every bone is blanched and brittle and the very last morsel of humanity is sucked from the marrow. Good for lamb stew.